This is Nikki B

Important PSA: Settling is for Pilgrims

2009-12-06T16:50:00.016-05:00

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, let's talk about turkeys ~~so I'm a little behind schedule SUE ME~~. I heard from a handful of my old turkeys this past holiday. You know...as they always seem to resurface around the holidays or on your birthday and use it as some type of "in". However, I refuse to engage any of those turkeys and you know why?...Because I don't settle.

I definitely don't settle for turkey.

To put this blog together, I had to really sit and think about what it means to settle. I had to think over the type of shit that I cannot get down with my own experiences, what I see on television, and what goes on in my day to day interaction with friends.

So here's the definition:

Settling: The act of forcing a situation that displays obvious signs that he is a loser or you are a jump off of not working out, but one is still forcing oneself to engage in it, hoping for the best...eventually. The eternal optimist theory does not work in one's favor here. ~~STOP BEING DELUSIONAL.~~

Settlers do their very best to ignore ~~RED FLAGS~~ the obvious signs that a relationship isn't really a relationship is not going anywhere and they also tend to settle for a mate doesn't even meet HALF of their standards, just for sake of not being alone.

Think about this: Do you really want to spend forever with someone that you cannot stand? Someone that you could eventually grow to resent simply because you know there is something better out there for you? Something more fulfilling than a warm body in your bed and someone to go half on the bills? What about Love? What about the excitement of seeing your mate walk into the room? Or the beauty of finding an actual soulmate? Someone that knows you inside and out? Someone who knows little things about you like how you like to have the small of your back rubbed until you fall asleep? Knows little things about you that you don't even notice that you do? Someone who treats you like a priority and not an option? ~~or doesn't mind that you cannot sleep without the television on~~? Am I alone in thinking that having these things is more important that just "having a man...?" Hmmmm. Let's explore.

Newsflash: While Early Settlers believed that it is pathetic to be alone, it is actually pathetic to settle. Settlers have put several practices in place to cling to men ~~women, or whatever you're into~~ so that you can "have someone." See where I'm headed with this?

As your local fuckery enthusiast, it is my duty to compile the following list to let you know when you are settling and/or engaging in settler-related activities and put a stop to it. See, what's been going on these days is that the ratio of women to men is out of this world...at some point, it seems that women have given up on finding what they want or holding out for it and have developed this "I'll take what I can get" mentality ~~even if it means knowingly dating someone else's man.~~ None for me thanks. ~~Nobody likes a Harlot, ladies.~~

I'm not saying demand perfection at all. Perfect relationships force me to cheat are boring. You need a little spice to keep things interesting. I am also NOT saying "Girl, leave his sorry ass!"
The message that I am trying to communicate here is: If ~~the guy you're sleeping with~~ your man is doing any of the things on the list regularly-he should definitely NOT be your Plan A ~~because you obviously are more like Plan C or Plan J for him~~ and when you look at the situation for what it really is, you're still able to keep that door open and find the right person for you-who deserves you and won't jerk you around.

I'd like to thank the Almighty Facebook, my friends- Wumie, Tandace, Ashley, Cami, Inemesit, EAC, and Kea Sherr and all the losers I've dated for the inspiration. I am in no way singling out any particular person or situation ~~so don't bother trying to figure it out~~-this is simply for the purposes of F*CKERY AWARENESS. If this hits too close to home, don't look at me l~~ook for Jesus.~~With no further adieu, I bring you "You know You're Settling When..."

(and in no particular order because I just don't have the time)

Girl, you KNOW You're Settling...

If he lost his charger on Thanksgiving...
If you are embarrassed to bring him around people because you aren't that confident in his mastery of subject-verb agreement he might speak... (see below)

...or think along the lines of this guy if you're not familiar with the NYC rap scene lol

If you only talk to him at work...
If you have never met his friends...
If you stay the night at his house and he always hands you your body wash and such from the BACK of his bathroom cabinet and sometimes he can't even find YOUR shit ...

Your Shit:

What he hands YOU ~~after ten minutes of searching:~~

If "it's complicated"... you're settling SIDEBAR: "It's Complicated is easily translated into "I am all about him, but he is not all about me." End of discussion.
If he loses his wallet at least once a month when you go out ~~Dude, you're 30+ what are you doing with your money!?!?!...~~
If you would do anything for him and you have to beg him to do anything for you...
If you have never been to his house...
If you are constantly referring to other women as "bitches"...
If he untags himself in any pics with you...
If you go through his phone/check his facebook inbox regularly...
If you take yourself off the pill without telling him... (see below)

If he loses his phone/phone dies once a week...(see below)

If "but remember the time when he..." is your favorite excuse to give your friends all the time...
If you call him at night and he texts you right back talkin' about "what's up?"...

If your friends roll their eyes whenever you say his name...

If he constantly buys you nice things, but can never stay the night...(see below)

If he's going through some things and then starts dating someone else the next week...
If he doesn't want a relationship but is dating OTHER people regularly...
If you think being the best sex he's ever had in his life will make him leave "her"...womp.womp. (see below)

If he just slept on her couch and the only reason he admitted he was there is because you followed him...
If you've created a psuedo-profile to stalk some chick on Facebook...
If you curse his existence EVERY TIME you get drunk...(see below)

If he borrows your car regularly and you're happening upon strands of hair or earrings that are NOT yours regularly...
If he is a commitment-phobe, but proposes to the next chick and of course YOU are still sleeping with him because "That Bitch Ain't You"... you guessed it: SETTLING!
If he regularly threatens bodily harm to himself or others as a tactic to make you stay and you do because he "needs" you...
If there is Garnier Fructis and/or Motions shampoo in his shower and you use Nexxus Therappe and Humectress...(see below)

If you are constantly on the phone with his mother/sister/etc trying to make sense of his behavior and figure out why he "don't treat you right" ~~because your real friends and your own family don't wanna hear that shit no more!~~...
If you are constantly engaged in a Facebook war on his wall/in his status comments with some "disrespectful ass female"....you're settling and you look real damn crazy...
If he is constantly working overtime and still complains about being broke...
If your child knows ~~and recites~~ all the derogatory terms he uses to curse you out...(see below)

If your father bans him from your house and you are GROWN...
If you are sitting with him and you send him a text message/call his phone and your hear SILENCE and it's only 8 p.m....(see below)

If you get "cussed" out for even being in another man's presence, but you can't seem to find him AT ALL on Saturdays...
If you just met his four-year-old daughter and you have been together for six years...
If his phone rings at 2 a.m. and the ringtone is Ne-yo's "Sexy Love"...~~that ain't his sister or his "best friend" lol~~
If his family tells you to leave him...
If his drain is regularly clogged with long black hair and yours is short and brown and he is bald...
If you two are only out in public two hours away from home girl, you know that ain't no romantic getaway...
If you say "I Love You" and his response is "Okay, can you pass me the remote?"...
If he's telling you about how much he liked the movie Precious and you haven't seen it...
If you do your best to make sure you accompany him ~~to keep an eye on him~~ any time he goes out--so much so that your own friends and family never see you but his family and friends do all the time...
If you notice that he's been tagged in pics from his birthday party when he was working late last Friday night, chances are....(see below)

If you are a writer and he regularly exclaims his disdain for reading books...~~(how personal was that one lol)~~
If you have ever said to yourself, that's probably the last time he'll hit me...(see below)

If you have ever said to yourself, he will probably stop cheating if I lose this weight/change my hair/gave him more money when he asks for it...
If he has updated his fb status via fb mobile 50 times today, but returned none of your calls or texts...
If he starts to gather your belongings for you immediately after you have sex ~~he is not being a gentleman~~....
If he left your house around 8 p.m. last night to check his boy and there's left over Ruth's Chris in the fridge today...
If he tells you he's going out of town for the holidays but every time he talks to you, it's dead silence in the background or the bathroom echo lol...
If he makes you a friend or mentions you in his status message and all of a sudden you have his other jumpoffs random chicks requesting to be your friend...
If he all of a sudden says he doesn't have time to focus on you and the relationship and you've been hanging out for 4 months and nothing in his life has changed...
If you are out and about and he runs into one of his cousins and they say "Oh, hey you must be..."NOT YOUR NAME"...you might be settling.
If your best friend can't stand him, but is not saying anything (see below)...but you KNOW she is laying low ready for you to complain about him so she can go and slash his tires for you, cuz she don't want it to be on your conscience.

If you have been avoiding calling your big brova Keith (pronounced Keef) to gut this fool like a fish, and because you are so attached and have so much sympathy instead you call your boo's mama to try to make some sense out of what he is doing, all the while knowing his momma just as crazy cuz she thinks that's her lilul baby, and he can do no wrong, but you had sex in her bed twice, cuz he dont have his own spot. And ALL she says is, "Well you know Mikey gets confused sometimes baby, he just needs some attention, but he is finally getting focused."... Why do you have this CD on repeat? You see he is dirty 30 with a pacifier in his mouth, girl please... you are settling. (This is my favorite one-courtesy of Inemesit-I couldn't even edit this shit!!!)
If you start writing that Pro/Con list and you've got about 12 cons and only 3 pros, so you start making up shit like: 4- he looks sooo cute in that hat, 5- He has excellent table manners, 6-he always puts the toilet seat down (yea right...), 7- he tells me he loves me...sometimes, 8- he has taken me out 7 times ( but you have taken him out 62 times, and yall been doin this shit for 3.7 years).. GIRL BYE!
And last, but not least...If you've ever said "If he's sooo into HER, why does he keep calling me?" It's because you are New P*ssy, my dear Settler. For further information, please click HERE.

You're Welcome.

You Win?

2009-11-12T10:32:00.015-05:00

You Win?

All I want is my meal.
I thought about eating this meal for days and days and days.
Days.
I traveled 1,619 miles with THIS
meal on my mind-the ambiance even.
To smell the books here.
To admire the art on the walls.
I won’t ruin it for you
if you don’t ruin it for me.
There is something about
you & I
Kindred spirits perhaps?
Yeah, perhaps...

Bet we are a lot alike.
I mean, we have the same taste.
We cried the same tears.
The same night.
Nights, I bet.
Together, yet all alone.
Alone in a room full of people.
For days.
Is that why when I looked at YOU
you were already looking at me?
Or was I already looking at you?
...In that moment-
Those moments
something transpired.
We exchanged an energy.
I felt your pain, it was a weird feeling.

I want to give you a hug
tell you I know just how hard the past few months have been.
I want to beat the sh-t out of you.
You ruined my fairytale.
As I assume, I ruined yours.
What a tumultuous time…
Pain.
Denial.
Devastation.
Denial.
Denial.
Hindsight.
Blame shifting.
Tears.
Moving On.

I thought I was over this and here I am looking at you.
I am sure that I’m over you.
Free of that stress that still lives in your face.
....your face takes me back.
RIGHT.
BACK.
THERE.
I left that place long, long ago
But YOU...you're still there
STILL.
RIGHT.
THERE.
Keep looking at ME.
Do you see how much easier it is?
Do you see the happiness in my eyes?
Do you see how carefree life can be?
...just having dinner with a friend
I'm not worrying about HIM.
I’m not waiting for HIM.
I know where he is and I do not care.
Have not cared for some time.
Do you?
I hope not.

Don’t waste your
life
time
energy
checking emails
and phones
and plane tickets
and mileage
and everything else
outside of bettering
YOU.
Damn, I hope you haven’t forgotten about you.
I checked you out.
(of course)
You are poised to go far in life.
What a beautiful woman you are.
If you stay there, you will be fighting ME
in different forms for the rest of your life.
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
I wouldn't lie to you.
Like you lied to me.
Like he lied to us.

I love you.
I love you in a way that most
don’t
and won’t
understand.
But I don’t care.
I remember the desperation in your voice.
Pleading with me.
Lying to me.
Clinging to the dream.
So Condescending.
So Enraged.
Prying.

Do you feel silly?
DON'T.
Learn from this and run, do not walk
AWAY.
It is not your fault.
It is not my fault.
I thank God we can have this conversation
through a few occasional stares and nods.
Like women.
Grown women.
Who loved
a boy.

This is a poem that I wrote about a year or two ago. I decided to recite it for my birthday at an open mic as a testament to my personal growth. There was a time (okay, maybe like a day or two) that I didn't think I could ever place these words-these feelings even..on paper. Thanks for indulging moi.

-Nikki B

When "Keepin' It Real" Goes Wrong...

2009-07-14T16:53:00.014-04:00

DISCLAIMER: This is an adult topic and there is GRAPHIC language all over the place. Keep this in mind before you scroll down. You may consider this offensive. But, hey it's a reality.

When "Keepin' It Real" Goes Wrong: New P*ssy Hype Edition

This is what happens when one piece of new p*ssy just isn't enough...

Walk with me down Asshole Avenue for a minute:

In case you've never had a conversation with me, I should explain what new p*ssy is. New P*ssy is a magical, wonderous creation that will have you ready to give up your whole check, leave your girl, and swear everyone around you is "hating on yall's love" because you are so damn sprung. It is a great thing, I mean, we've all been new p*ssy a time or six and we all know when someone we deal with has gotten a whiff of some. It's a beautiful thing...Being New P*ssy will have you thinking you are the baddest b-tch on the block/yard/in the office/at the grocery store-FUCK IT, on the planet!!!! Be careful, don't be that delusional piece of New P*ssy. You know, laying in bed with your man (or somebody's man) and watching him sleep thinking "I got this dude sprung. My sh-t is so good he don't know what to do with himself!" Ahhh yes, the joys of New P*ssy!

*sigh*

....And then it gets old. This magical, wondrous creation gets old, clingy, and demanding-I mean she really starts to believe her own hype SO MUCH that she turns into a GIRLFRIEND/WIFE-When you already have one! Oh NOOOOO!!!!! GASP!!!

....You go off and get an additional piece of "new p*ssy" because now you are chasing that feeling like crack addicts chase their first high. You get out of control and have one or three too many smoking hot, good in bed, mentally unstable bitches..... Your beautiful, sexy fantasy of a woman can't take the fact that the hype is gone. She knows how she had you wrapped around her finger and how easily she took you from your wife/girl and can tell that your attention is now ELSEwhere. She is sitting and thinking all night long about how you are showing all your new tricks (you know yall do that) to some other, lesser (in her mind) whore and she can't take it. What else does she have to do? You're obviously not returning her phone calls as frequently anymore-nor showing up when you say you are going to. She becomes so OBSESSED with things being the way they "used to be" that she can't concentrate on anything else. She's alienated all the other men in her life and any of her friends who didn't approve of her relationship in the first place. She has nothing to do but sit and obsess.

...And then your beautiful, sexy fantasy of a woman morphs into an emotional, irrational psychopath and shoots your ass in your sleep.

It was confirmed yesterday that "New P*ssy" shot Steve McNair because she was jealous of his "budding romance" with "NEW New P*ssy". All the while,his WIFE is at home raising his children. Sheesh...

All in all, the moral of my story is STOP chasing New P*ssy and just get yourself a consistent piece of GOOD P*ssy. It's a much safer bet, unless it belongs to someone already. But that's a story for another day...

Additional Disclaimer: I am not trying to disrespect the dead or "hate on that dude" or anything. This sh*t is a reality and it just happened to be a famous person this time. It is my job as your local f*ckery enthusiast to keep you informed of all things f*ckery and the New P*ssy Hype is F*CKERY. That is all.

Free Would NOT Approve...

2008-12-06T17:34:00.003-05:00

Well, hell, she WOULDN'T. Free is a true artist who took the art of Vee-Jaying (and being sexy) very seriously.

Friends...I'm having some issues ♥

There is this really funny blog that I ~~am addicted to~~ read daily called Crunk & Disorderly...This chick Fresh always posts Youtube clips and images under the label "Come and Get Your Cousins Please" when she finds your cousins doing something ~~utterly fucking ridiculous~~ special. It cracks me up, but I really feel her on that....Well, I have my own submission for "Come and Get Your Cousins Please"

See below:

Guys...this is so NOT okay.

What in the hell type of fake ass R&B, jigaboo, Ray-J/Ne-Yo/Mario, coon-ass fuckery is this??? What in the world is this about?

Stop.
NO MORE.

~~To My Dearest Cousins~~Dear Black People,

Barack Hussein Obama is our President-elect. On January 20, 2009, he will be our President. Now, I appreciate you all not getting too far out-of-pocket during the heat of the elections. ~~although I must throw a side-eye to few of you simpletons~~...But, now that he's won...we 'got to do better'...I mean, we simply MUST. These types of commercials will NOT do.

I am sorry to tell you all this, but we cannot wait for Obama to snap his fingers and bring this CHANGE we seek. We must be the goddamn change and singing these R&B songs to, for, and about chicken nuggets will not do. It just will not.

We need to raise the bar for ourselves and what makes us want to buy chicken nuggets. Think about it...they are mocking us!!!! They have watched enough BET to know that THIS is all we allegedly care about and all it takes to entertain us. ~~Have you SEEN 106 and Park lately?~~
They used all of the necessary elements to get our attention:

Shiny, pretty-boy ~~wearing a wack ass fedora~~ singing in the rain-check!
Beautiful light-skinned woman complete with ~~16 inch Yaki Premium in color #1~~ flowing hair, sexy make up, & stilettos-check!
Fancy sports car-check!
The premise of a deep relationship issue (Why you dippin' on me?)- check!
Have you heard these lyrics?~~I can't even fucking go there.~~

I'm trying my best not to give up on us...but honestly we all know who's to blame:

From Confessions of a Closet...You Know the Rest.

Sincerest Regards,

Nikki B. ♥

I'm Trying to figure out what's happening between Sasha Fierce and I

2008-11-19T22:14:00.022-05:00

Okay everyone...welcome to the Confessions of a Closet Asshole. We're going to skip the formalities and get right into the album review. I'm going to review Beyonce's new album. I love her to death. You may remember the post "Beyonce Be Praised" from my old blog. (That's a hyperlink if you didn't catch it ♥ )

A few rules though...no STANS. Okay, if you STANS are going to read this, have an open mind and don't try to fight me in the street or send me a nasty e-mail ~~because I won't even read it I promise~~. You knew when you went to a blog that said confessions of a closet ASSHOLE, there was a chance that you may not like everything that you read...right?

Let's begin with the I Am Beyonce disc....Okay back up-why did we need two separate discs for these songs? But that's okay. Sometimes I just do what the fuck I want to do too. ~~Just because I can.~~ But it's taken me so long to write this review because I felt so conflicted. I felt like a hater, a traitor, an asshole even...But alas, I ~~don't really give a shit in reality~~ must follow my gut. I had a pretty entertaining conversation with a fellow Beyonce fan this morning and a lot of our exchange is fused in here and there.

Walk with me down asshole boulevard for a sec.

Disc#1 is the Beyonce side of things. It's called "I Am Beyonce" or something. That is not the right name. It should have been called "Yall, I just love Jay-Z so damn much. Oh, and sometimes I listen to my friend's problems too." The end.

I mean, I bought the deluxe version ~~because I am crazy as all hell and running out of things to do with my money~~ which has a bonus song called "Who Saves the Hero?" Now that's a good ass song. I must admit that I made it relate to me. Don't you always do that when you like a song? You, like, force it into your own personal experiences? Well, never mind-I am sidetracking (again). That's a great song. Halo is good too but Julia said that it was originally Leona Lewis' song and that makes me uncomfortable. I feel like she could have done a lot with it and she's so new in her career that this could have been her vehicle. Overall, the best song in my opinion is "If I Were ~~The Don~~ A Boy" but I've heard it 17 million times. But that wasn't her song either. It belongs to BC Jean. Okay, what am I getting at? Well, since I am such a Bey fan, I have heard her say and have read time and time again that this was her "baby" and that it was from her soul and yadda, yadda, yadda and was BEYOND EXCITED about seeing more of who she is...so why are the best songs not written by her and the other ones so dull? It makes me wonder if you strip everything down and let her just be her-is there anything there??? I dunno. I love her anyway. Freak out if you want, but you can't say that I'm lying. :)

Sidebar: Every time I watch this video it makes me cry. It makes me think waaay too hard about what I've been through and what I've watched others go through. Can you believe that dude said "Why you so jealous? It's not like I'm sleepin' with the girl." Oh for shame! Sweet Jesus be a baseball bat! ♥

Okay, now that I've taken you on a detour down Issues Avenue...back to the review.

Disc #2: I AM Sasha Fierce. Sasha has worked my last damn nerve. This disc should be called, "I've always wanted to ~~pretend to be one of the hoodrats that Mamma Tina wouldn't let us play with because good Creole children don't act like that~~ be a high-fashion bad ass!" I mean, I understand. My mother was really strict on who I could play with too. I think that's why I've read so much Ghetto Lit in my adult life because I've always been a little fascinated by the whole deal. But the difference is, I don't sing songs about ghetto life or try to write stories or blogs about it. Bey?!?!?!! What is this?!?! I'm so hurt by some of it.

DIVA-Everyone said that this was going to be the new female anthem. ANTHEM!!!! I heard it and was beyond hurt. I was expecting something along the lines of Ms. Independent or on some "She Got Her Own" ish...but not this "where da cash at? Divas are hustlas fuckery!" And I am an avid fuckery enthusiast!!! I'm a diva,but I'm not a ''hustla"-I'm a government worker. BEY?!?!?!? I'm mad at you again. I need a minute.

Okay, I'm back. I also hate "Video Phone." The only time I'd EVER listen to that again is never. I don't even think Bey knows what the hell she's talking about in this song. Someone gave it to her. She just needed a "down south" club song I guess. For that reason I won't hold this against her. What exactly are we supposed to be doing for the video phone? Is it dancing? Fellatio? Stripping? Talking about our interests and fears? DO TELL. NOW.

Some might read this and say "Nikki, you're thinking too hard about this. Why does it have to mean anything?" To them I say ~~fuck off~~ that my Saturn Return has taken affect and really made me think shit out before I even dance to it. See ya when you get here. ♥

Ohhhhh....Sasha!

It's not ALL BAD though. I really enjoyed "Hello". I mean, really. It reminds me of when I meet a man with swagger and can't help but watch him cross the room and ~~then pretend to ignore him until he talks to me~~ when he speaks, you hang on his every word. Another good one is "Ego", Julia has convinced me that I like that song. And I do. I just didn't give it a chance at first because I was still in my feelings about "Radio" and "DIVA." I also love "Sweet Dreams" because it appeals to my inner-Apollonia. Yes, I'm a sex pot. What do you expect from an 80's baby? The rest of the songs are okay. I just thought the whole deal was so dumbed down. Where is Papa Knowles? He knows the winning formula. I think we just needed a little more balance and that winning Destiny's Child album formula. Like, this could have been ONE CD with the songs mixed together for a better flow. But that's just me. I'm a Program Analyst, not an executive producer or anything.

Overall, this was a good album. Hell, I'm just happy to hear from her. I missed her music so much. There is a lot of GARBAGE out here. I'm giving her a little "Tough Love" because she needs it. I don't need my girl getting all complacent and all. I'm sure this is probably the best album of the year-which is why Ciara, Mya, and Keri Hilson all keep pushing their ish back. I guess I'm just a little offended that she "dumbed it down" a bit for the masses and her sister didn't. And if you haven't heard Solange's album ~~go kill yourself~~ you should check it out. She is a REALLY GOOD writer and her baby's father is a total asshole apparently. Her ish is deep. I'm sure my little cousins and sibs are enjoying every moment of Sasha Fierce-whereas I'm just trying to sort through my feelings on the matter. I will say that she ultimately accomplished her goal of shoving this extended bi-polar episode down our throats and sealing the deal on becoming an icon. Even with all this, I will still continue to stalk her around the country and see her in at least two states. Good Job, Bey. Let's hear it for personal growth!

This is still my favorite Bey album. Oh Jesus, I was really feeling it when it first dropped. I played "Crazy in Love" for hours on end and I used to brush old beau's hair every now and then just because of that song "That's How You Like It" w/Jay-Z. I was young and in love with my own version of Jay-Z with far less money and a piece of ish Camry.

Later Bitches...Thanks for indulging moi .

Delta is Better

2008-09-07T15:30:00.001-04:00

…No, really it is. Now, as your local fuckery enthusiast, it is my job to bring you my nonsensical rantings about anything as it comes to me profound thoughts on life when necessary.

Pictured above is the reason I flew home and had the pleasure of experiencing Delta Airlines in the first place. The Wilson All Class Reunion.

So with that said, I have to thank my ace who took action after hearing me bitch and moan incessantly express my concerns about dealing with Massa & Co. my job out here on Planet Oklahoma.

Sidenote: Yes, my release date has been pushed back to September 14th and they have opted to make my life pure and utter hell until that day comes because they are such assholes great people….Anyway, she knew my last minute ass was going to show up at the airport trying to buy a last minute $350 flight on Southwest again just so I can complain about it. So before I could, she booked me a flight on Hotwire.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am officially only flying Delta from now on. The hell with Southwest. Without further adieu…I bring you Delta vs. Southwest.

Departure

Southwest:To Southwest, this is a fucking joke. I feel like they have staff meetings that prep you on how to royally fuck people over inconvenience customers’ travel plans. I think they want to know how far they can go until all of us cheap bastards frugal consumers have to throw in the towel and pay real money for a real airline….Southwest Airlines would not know punctuality if it punched them in the damn face and kicked it’s mother. Why is it always a roll of the damn dice with these people? Why am i always unsure about what time I should tell Chumie Chonteh, Kea Sherr (that’s not your name anyway Nikea), and of course Shalexis Shyers my rides (pictured above) to pick me up from the airport?…Why is it always a mystery as to when we will actually take-off? And they just adjust the damn departure screens all slick, they won’t even say anything to you right away. It will just say 6:10 pm departure-which becomes 8:45 pm-which evolves into someone finally having the courage to say “the plane hasn’t departed Providence, RI yet, Ms. Brooks. Please calm down, we apologize for the inconvenience” OH FOR SHAME!!!

Delta Airlines-I have not experienced this issue with Delta Airlines. I have boarded FOUR Delta planes in the last week and NONE of them were delayed. However, I do know that when passengers were inconvenienced, they received vouchers and/or free flights or hotel stays. You know Southwest is not going to do that. They’re just not.

Flight Attendants

Southwest: Along with the anti-customer service training, I believe there is also a required course in bad jokes to make during flights and stupid fucking corny songs. It gets on my LAST NERVE. If I wanted a comedy show, guess what? I’ll go to a goddamn comedy show. Period. Spare me all the small talk and jokes. This plane was scheduled for takeoff at 4:55 p.m. I have only been here since 4:36 been waiting for hours! Why do I want to small talk with you? It’s 6:12!!! Get this bitch in the air and stop talking to me. NOW.

…but get me some vino, will you?

Delta Airlines: What I love about these broads is that they are so stuck up professional that they don’t even look at you, more or less, talk to you. They just sort of glance like they are annoyed that you are so under dressed on their plane. I must say, I LOVES it. But, then again…I have issues, so don’t mind me.

Even down to the uniforms, their uniforms are fly. Delta flight attendants are far more polished and they look good. You see them and you’re like “Damn, I wanna go where she’s going.” And then we have….Southwest. I’ve always been turned off by these people. They are dressed like fucking idiots a cross between zoo keepers and Six Flags workers. Seriously, they wear khaki shorts and these sweater vests and a damn polo shirt. YUK! I DO NOT want to go where you’re going….But, I digress.

Seating

Southwest: What the fuck is this? For the sake of all that is holy, could someone PLEASE explain to me why the hell there is a do-it-yourself seating policy on this airline? Have you experienced this before? You check in, you receive a number that dictates the order in which you get on the plane….If they can take the time to do that? Why the fuck can’t they just give you a SEATING ASSIGNMENT??? Level with me here….Tell me where to fucking sit. I am traveling. I am stressed out that they threw away my body wash, my perfume, etc, you are LATE-I have enough on my mind, clearly. I cannot be bothered with this god-awful process of picking out my own seat.

By the time the plane is half full, there’s nothing left but middle seats. This is the worst. You are now that dickhead who has to make someone get up so that that you can sit down. This is a trip. Mutherfuckers People act like the decision is to be made at their behest or something. FUCK YOU! Your cheap ass paid $99 for this flight just like I did. If you wanted two seats, you should have spent the $198.50-Get up!

Delta Airlines: I simply boarded the plane when my zone was called and then I walked to the seat that corresponded to my ticket. Then, I sat and waited for my vino. End of Exercise!

Alcohol Flight Accommodations

Southwest: Okay…Essentially, there are NO accommodations on this airline. Often times, I catch that one flight attendant who just doesn’t give a shit anymore and rather than make change or make a big deal about it, will give me free drinks there. The price isn’t that bad (only $4) but with all the fucking bullshit inconveniences that you put up with, I am of the opinion that everything should be free. 25 pts for Southwest!

Side Note: Okay, so I am a Rapid Rewards Member. When I received my 16th credit (first free flight), I received eight free drink coupons in the mail which was their way of congratulating me on being inducted into the Society of Cheap Bastards-Elitist Group. I still have all my coupons because I keep getting free drinks from either the flight attendant who is contemplating throwing him/herself out of the plane anyway doesn’t care anymore or the gay guy who loves my bag and looks out for me because we’ve just bonded on that level.

Delta Airlines: I can admit when I am in over my head. And I was too cheap not prepared to purchase wine on this airline. One glass was SEVEN DOLLARS. Now, I know a $6 bottle of wine when I see one, so please believe I was not paying anyone $7 for a glass of it. Now, don’t get me wrong….I will still punish that $6 bottle of wine am not too good for a $6 bottle of wine, but it better come with a commemorative Delta wine goblet and a lap dance. Dig Moi? I’m just sayin…Needless to say, that was a no go!

First Class

Southwest: I’m just over it. I’m sorry. These bitches don’t even have blankets, and when they do have blankets, they CHARGE YOU FOR THEM. You know they have a running joke, where they say “Everyone on Southwest is First Class!” No, we’re all cheap. We’re all Walmart Shoppers/Greyhound Bus customers/pretty young women with $1,000 handbags and bad credit and need to get our lives together quickly…..pick any one of those things, but first class we are not.

Delta: Their first class is the shizz….The people in first class have these awesome leather seats and plenty of room. They look at us like we disgust them-like they wish we would just come in through the back door. They have beautiful, sharply dressed flight attendants and unlimited drinks. That’s about alls I know about it because they were serious about keeping that curtain closed at all costs. I snuck a few glances when I could though.

And when its cold, there are complimentary blankets for all. COMPLIMENTARY. I stole mine the other morning. What? Don’t judge me….it was free really exquisite.

Score: Delta Airlines 100 pts Southwest -975 pts

Dude, It's Just Gum...

2008-09-07T15:20:00.001-04:00

It’s no secret that I am a cynical asshole have a dry sense of humor and will often times poke fun at things that are stupid don’t make sense to me.

Watch this clip before you continue reading…

Someone PLEASE explain to me why this commercial happened? What is Chris Brown doing here? I would totally sleep with him on the first date think he’s a great artist, but he seriously upped his douche factor suffered a slight loss of cool points with this one.

I’m only bothering to discuss this because I need to be packing and I refuse to just sit down and finish it. I’ll share my disgust with this dumbass commercial opinion with YOU instead-I’m a giver like that.

Okay….let’s begin with the original song- I LOVES THIS SONG. It’s adorable. He’s singing to a girl about how he wants to dance all night long and he feels like it’s just the two of them on the dance floor and yadda, yadda, yadda-okay it’s not that deep or original. But it’s cute and the video has a nice concept.

How can he assassinate such a beautiful song and trivialize it to the point where he’s singing and dancing about gum???…It’s gum. I mean, don’t get me wrong-sometimes, I really want a piece of gum. However, you will not find me singing to it and break dancing with it before I chew it. I’ll kind of just, like, chew it or whatever. End of exercise.

This commercial is sooooo silly. I mean, I’m willing to compromise. I think we should have just had the instrumental music playing, let him do his thing dancing or whatever and wear green and then we could show the Doublemint gum at the end…
And then we could all say “Chris Brown likes Doublemint gum. I either do or don’t want some now that I’ve seen this.” Would that have been soooo bad? Methinks not.

Or they could have been even more creative and had him walking or dancing with a twin. Get it? Doublemint twins? Now THAT would have made more sense, no? Fuck it Let’s be real-why is he the spokesdancer spokesperson for Doublemint Gum anyway? Shouldn’t we have gotten some people who were at least twins or had already written songs about bubblegum or mint or something like that? Or how about people who just need the work? I’m just sayin’…He’s already found his niche in the music business, he’s been in a stupid, cliche-ass really touching Christmas movie, and for God’s sake-he’s dating Rihanna. Just greedy….He’s sooo much bigger than this already.

Here are some possible suggestions…

Tia & Tamera…

Okay, they don’t sing or dance, but they’re pretty and they work well together. I also feel like they’ve done Doublemint commercials before. 10 pts for the Veterans.
Lindsay Lohan…

She is on the list because she was playing her own twin out the gate-she gave us that Oscar-worthy performance in the Parent Trap about ten years ago and showed us her acting chops. I’m sure she’d kick ass pretending to be her own twin in a Doublemint commercial and in case you forgot, she has two albums under her belt as well. Let’s face it: Bitch needs work. Luv ya, Lindz!
Cassie…
Now, I acknowledge that she can’t sing or dance but I’d bet she’s really good at standing around looking pretty or chewing gum real sexy-like while writhing her body around with a bored look on her face. I’d even go so far as to assure you that she’d succeed at memorizing a few lines for a commercial like “I’m Cassie and I like chewing this gum.” I mean, she memorized the words to her songs that she didn’t write or sing in her videos. I know that men would buy it just because she’s so smokin’ hot. No really, bitch is bad! I feel obligated to find her work because she didn’t get the memo that this is truly not going to last forever and she’d better make the most of this moment. As a matter of fact, I know that Mya got that memo and she probably never even forwarded it to Cassie. Chiqs can be ultra-petty these days especially from the DC area.

Tiffany “New York” Pollard and Sister Patterson…

Ahhh yes, the Phoebe Price to my inner-Michael K (some DListed humor for you). This tacky broad exquisite treasure is A LOSER an up and coming actress and really doesn’t have the time to be bothered with Doublemint gum commercials or anything, but she might be able to work it into her schedule of acting in A-list films taping the worst depiction of black women on fucking television classiest show on VH1. I’m not even going to address this attention whore of a mother she has. She would probably demand that they play twins anyway. She’s always whoring her way into Tiffany’s fabness, she even jumped into this pic of her. I googled pics of New York and she just jumped right on in…

Mary Kate & Ashley…

These bitches are Super Twins. They took twinhood to the next level decades ago. They are really good at being twins and they already work well together. It’s documented in countless Full House episodes and stupid fucking classic Disney Movies and Sing-Along-Songs on VHS. They’re already richer than Jesus and would probably do the commercial pro bono.

And last, but not least….Miss Christina

I’d pick her simply because I am completely biased. This is my sister and this bitch is BAD. Hands down, end of exercise. As displayed in this picture, she is really good at playing her own twin as well. Look, the one in the yellow can’t even handle the one in the purple. She gives her the full-frontal “who does this bitch think she is” side-eye action. I LOVES it!!!!